AAAAaaarrggghhhuuuuurrrgggghhhh it burns! Continue reading “The Earth Died Swearing | Microfiction”
I’m taking a break from writing/posting for a couple of weeks because my brain’s being a real piece of shit at the moment. Plus, I’m going on my jolly holidays to Cornwall next week and I’ll be too busy soothing my soul with Cornish cream teas, catching up with family, and writing “Ellie Rulez” repeatedly in the sand on the beach.
In the meantime, here’s a really stupid story that I posted on Medium last week and forgot to link here. I thought it was funny when I wrote it… you be the judge.
Ta ta for now.
Well there I was, hanging out with my friends after school, all of us bored out of our minds, when some bright spark decided we should play Chicken.
You know what Chicken is? It’s this dumb game where you run out into a road in front of a car and try to get to the other side without getting hit. Stupid, right?
What’s stupider is that I didn’t know how to play. Never heard of the so-called ‘game’ before in my entire 16-year-long life. But I didn’t tell the guys that, did I?
“You go first,” they said, since I was the new kid in town.
And I was all like, “Yeah, sure, cool, awesome,” without actually clarifying the rules of the game. I just wanted to fit in with the idiots, okay? In hindsight I did a pretty good job.
Teensy-weensy stories I wrote on social media this week.
Molten liquid bubbles in the #crucible while the evil villain looks on.
“Time to sacrifice another. Boil away!”
Cackling, she tosses the next victim to its death.
“Lucy! My best saucepan… look at the mess! Turn off that hob and put those gummy bears down.”
— Ellie Scott (@itsemscott) June 2, 2019
“Come down. Please.”
“But it’s been days.”
“You can’t stay in the tree forever.”
“I can if I want.”
“I said sorry.”
“Your apology is futile.”
“How can I make it up to you?”
Oh, she’s so fucking old. How is she still clinging on to life? How?
“Morning Mrs Tidpot,” I call as I lug her shopping through to the kitchen.
She’s quilting as usual. Always bloody quilting. How she isn’t bored to death of it yet I don’t know.
“Working on that quilt again, are you?”
I put the kettle on and unpack the shopping, wondering who I could get to shoot me if I ever ended up quilting every damn day just to while away the seconds until death.
Fiona sees her parents’ car pull into the driveway and she slaps her little sister across the face.
“Snap out of it, Penny. Now. Do you hear me? Now!”
Thirteen-year-old Penny doesn’t snap out of it. She continues to stare at the ceiling, her pupils enormous black holes sucking in reality and twisting it into who knows what. Continue reading “High as a Kite | Flash Fiction”
Silly stories from my social media pages this week…
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Wanda’s mother tucked her up in bed and blew her a goodnight kiss from the doorway.
Eleven-year-old Wanda deemed herself far too grown-up for kisses. She grabbed the silly thing out of the air, pretended to press it against her lips, and waited for her mother to close the bedroom door and head downstairs.
Quiet as a mouse, Wanda reached under her bed, retrieved a glass jar, and stashed her mother’s kiss away. At last — a full jar! She’d sell it to the highest bidder the very next day during her walk to school.
This week’s silly stories from social media.
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It’s Spring Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK, which means three things: an extra day off on Monday, ice-cold cider all weekend long, and my latest eBook available to buy for FREE in every Amazon marketplace.
Come What May Day has 20 overlapping, interweaving, multi-genre short stories that will make you laugh, roll your eyes, and be a little bit sick in your mouth.
This offer is only available until midnight on Monday, so be sure grab your free copy on Amazon ASAP!
May Day has arrived in a gloomy Yorkshire town, and the storm clouds have parted just enough for the annual May Fair to kick off without a hitch. But how long will it be until the town’s dark streak rears its ugly head?
There’s some very questionable meat on the barbecue, a chainsaw-wielding madman is on the loose, and a couple of aliens are trying to figure out if Earth is worth all the hype.
The Morris dancers can’t remember their moves, the maypole is commandeered by a ribbon-addicted feline, and an animal army is awaiting in the woods to set a revolution in motion.
Will the May Queen be deserved of her crown? Will the Federation of Knitters finally gossip itself into oblivion? And will the Green Man get away with his usual mischief before the twisted trees scupper his plans?
Silly, sweet and sinister, these funny short stories for adults are the perfect read for a lazy spring weekend.
Catch up with some of the characters from the author’s previous collection – Merry Bloody Christmas – or get to the know them for the first time with Come What May Day.
And if you’re a Brit, may the sun shine down on your Bank Holiday Weekend with only minimal amounts of (sadly inevitable) rain.