Be Transformed with DNA Body Rejuvenation Therapy™

Are you tired of the signs of aging? Are wrinkles, sagging skin, and sun spots getting you down? Is your figure not what it once was? Has your figure never been up to scratch? Do you have stubborn fat lurking around your middle? Is your hair turning grey and losing volume? Do you hate looking in the mirror?

Age Reversal Laboratories has the solution: DNA Body Rejuvenation Therapy™.

This all-new cosmetic procedure is perfect for individuals who desire a full body makeover with a single, simple procedure. We can turn back the years in a matter of months. You’ll look younger and feel more confident than ever before. It all begins with your DNA.

What is DNA Body Rejuvenation Therapy™?

You’ve all heard of Dolly the Sheep, right? Well, our technology is the very same as that used to create the famous Dolly, only more advanced, more reliable, and more versatile.

Here’s how it works:

First, you’ll have a consultation with one of expert physicians to discuss the age-related issues you’re dealing with. Then, you’ll talk results. Let us know exactly how you’d like to look, and we’ll make your dreams come true. Stronger cheekbones, perkier buttocks, glossier hair — whatever your vision of your perfect self, we can make it a reality.

Next, we’ll take a small vial of your blood. This the vital elixir which acts as the basis for your brand new body! We’ll retrieve your DNA and use our patented Gene Rejuvenation Technology™ to tweak it, giving you the perfect features you’ve always desired. It’s still your DNA, only better.

Once we’ve tailored your DNA to perfection, the talented technicians in our Growth Lab will quickly get to work on growing a brand new you. Our Advanced Body Growth Tonic™ allows us to mature your cloned body within just three months, rather than years. Think of it like the fertiliser you use in your garden, only for human bodies instead of plants — simple!

The Procedure

Now comes the exciting part.

When your new body has reached maturity, it is humanely slaughtered and prepared for transplant.* The surgery is incredibly simple; we just move your brain from your old body right into your new one…

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Mack and the Beansprouts | Flash Fiction

Mack had a hankering for a stir-fry. He had all the ingredients at home except for beansprouts, and he couldn’t possibly get the full satisfaction from a stir-fry that wasn’t loaded with beansprouts.

He nipped out to the local supermarket and picked up his beloved ingredient. It wasn’t until he reached the till and the cashier asked him for money that he realised he’d left his wallet at home.

“Sorry,” he said, “I’ll have to come back for them.”

The cashier smiled at him. “What else have you got?” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“I can trade them with you. What else have you got? Check your pockets.” Continue reading “Mack and the Beansprouts | Flash Fiction”

A Character | Microfiction

The Lost Property office was manned by a bloke that some called “a character.” The less polite simply referred to him as “an arsehole.”

‘Not seen any legs round here,’ he said with a shrug to the worried face in front of him. ‘Sorry.’ Continue reading “A Character | Microfiction”

Bananas | Flash Fiction

Every day at 12.45pm sharp, a middle-aged woman drops into the supermarket to purchase 18 bananas.

She’s done the same for five years. Monday through Sunday, she carefully chooses 18 perfectly ripe bananas, takes them to the checkout, packs them into her reusable carrier bag, pays, and leaves. There’s never anything else on her shopping list, it seems. It’s all about the bananas. Continue reading “Bananas | Flash Fiction”

The Heat Wave | Microfiction

The heat wave wafted across Great Britain and melted everything in its path.

Buildings sagged. Trees wilted. Cats puddled. Humans grew sticky and stretchy like warm gum. Tarmac and asphalt grew soft enough that cars sank and became stranded in the middle of the motorway. Continue reading “The Heat Wave | Microfiction”

Longest Day | Microfiction

The title screen rolls while Netflix queues up another recommended show.

“I can’t take another,” Fran mutters as she drags her fingers down her face, pulling her features down into a grotesque grimace.

“But the day isn’t over,” Lisa replies with a sigh. Continue reading “Longest Day | Microfiction”

The Man Who Could Never Finish | Flash Fiction

The groom pours stale coffee into a cup, leaving a half an inch of the black liquid in the bottom of the percolator. He brings the cup to his dry lips and takes a long swig to relieve the cotton wool sensation that plagues his tongue.

He needs distraction. He retrieves his phone from his trouser pocket and taps at the screen to access his documents. He skims over the latest draft of an article he’s been battling with for weeks. It’s good. It’s almost perfect. He just can’t seem to find the right words to conclude it.

And he probably won’t be able to find them now as the nerves swirl in his stomach. He takes another sip of coffee and reaches into the inside pocket of his suit, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter.

She’ll turn up her nose when she catches the whiff of stale fag on his breath. He told her he’d quit. She doesn’t know that he never managed to kick that first and only smoke of the day.

When the nicotine has delivered a surge of faux confidence, he tosses the cigarette — only two-thirds smoked — onto the ground and grinds it beneath his shoe. He can probably go through with it, he thinks. It won’t kill him. He’s managed three years already; a lifetime won’t be all that bad…

Read the full story on Medium >

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An Open Letter to My Lost Forks | Medium Article

Dear Lost Forks,

I’d like to begin by thanking you for your vital, if short-lived, service. Over the past few months, you have done important work in aid of my taste buds and my stomach. You helped me to shovel pasta into my mouth at a rate that is almost superhuman. You allowed me to mash avocado onto toast so beautifully that my Instagram followers were driven wild. You even helped me to tackle the ring pulls on my Diet Cokes when I was afraid of breaking a nail, a task that is far beyond your intended role.

I know that I haven’t always been kind. Many a time I woke you from your slumber in the cutlery drawer, only for you to lay idle beside my plate as I threw my manners out the window and ate my food with my hands. You didn’t pass judgement on this lewd behaviour of mine, even when I ate so viciously that you were splattered with sauce and crumbs like mere placemats. Following this, and to my shame, I would simply mark you as ‘unused’ and replace you, unwashed, in the cutlery drawer.

Without a doubt, it is antics of this nature which have forced you to leave without saying goodbye…

Read the full post over at Medium >


Yeah, I’m writing on Medium! I’m hoping to post one new post -either fiction or silly non-fiction such as this – each week, so be sure to Follow me if you’re a Medium member. I’m looking forward to connecting with more people over there, too, so let me know if you’re a Medium writer.

Exam | Microfiction

I’m totally gonna nail this. I’ve got a photographic memory, and everyone knows that exams are piss easy with a photographic memory.

I barely even had to revise – it all went straight in when I was in class. I only had to flip through my notes once. For luck, I suppose. Just to be on the safe side. Continue reading “Exam | Microfiction”