“There’s not enough room to swing a cat in here,” Kate said with a scowl.
“Don’t be so dramatic, of course there is,” Julia replied, rolling her eyes at the daughter who had done nothing but complain about the move since the removal van arrived that morning.
“We can find out,” little Charlie suggested as he pushed his nose up against Kate’s bedroom window. “It’s raining cats and dogs out there.” Continue reading “Idiometropolis”
Paranoia, paranoia everybody’s coming to get me,
Just say you never met me,
I’m going underground with the moles digging holes.
The lyrics go around my head over and over, like a scratched CD that just won’t move on to the next verse. Continue reading “The Wardrobe”
“So,” she said, with one of those forced, straight smiles which do a wonderful job of portraying the awkwardness of a situation.
“Yeah,” I replied, returning the same expression.
“It’s been nice,” she said, nodding gently as though she had to really convince herself of the statement.
“I mean, it hasn’t really,” I responded. “You haven’t enjoyed yourself. Why?” Continue reading “If At First You Don’t Succeed”
How could the bitch leave me?
I’ve stuck with her through thick and thin. I let her dress me, I let her talk down to me, I let her walk all over me, and now all she can do is walk away from me. In the mall, of all places. Everyone is staring at me; I’m so humiliated. Continue reading “She Left Me”
People told me my fear of boats was an irrational one. I said one word and one word only to these people; Ti-Fucking-Tanic.
The very premise of boats is, to me, ridiculous. They are made of metal. And they’re supposed to float. I’ll admit I’m not big on physics, but common sense tells me that metal is heavy and dense and sinks to the bottom of water. And no matter how much any scientist tries to explain to me that the construction of a boat allows it to glide gracefully on top of the water rather than get swallowed up by it, I believe that boats are deadly, unnecessary forms of transportation. Continue reading “Boat”
The pink blueberry was hanging alone at the end of her branch whilst all her blue peers clustered together and giggled and sniggered. She was the butt of their jokes once again, simply because she was a different colour.
‘Hey pinky, what’s up with your pigments? Where’s your anthocyanin?’
‘It got washed away cos she’s been anthoCRYanin!’ Continue reading “Blue”
Bill had been living in London for two weeks when he was suddenly struck with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. He didn’t have any friends in the city and it was harder than he thought it would be to get to know the people he worked with. They all seemed so closed off and although they were polite enough to make idle chat about their weekends and their hobbies, they maintained an attitude that said ‘I have enough friends, thanks. I don’t need friends at work.’ Continue reading “Billboard”
‘Break friends, break friends, never, never make friends,’ said Lucy as she shook the paw of Taz, her teddy bear, then slung him across the room.
Taz had really done it this time. There was no way Lucy would ever speak to him again after what he’d done. He’d gossiped about her behind her back to Reg the rabbit and if there was something Lucy couldn’t stand it was gossips. Continue reading “Best Friend”
‘It’s not fair,’ moaned the toilet, ‘I have to take shit from everybody whilst the rest of you have nice clean jobs.’
‘That’s not strictly true,’ replied the bathtub. ‘I’ve had plenty of shit from that kid. He’s got a dirty habit of doing his business as soon as he gets in me. I mean, how am I supposed to feel like I’m doing my job right when I know there have been turds floating about in my water? The parents think it’s cute but it’s not, it’s pure filthy.’ Continue reading “Bathtub”
‘She’s got a face like a bashed crab.’
‘Well that’s not a legitimate reason to dislike her.’
‘But it doesn’t help though, does it?’ Continue reading “Bashed Crab”