Kitten Café | Flash Fiction

Yawning kitten illustration - "Kitten Cafe" flash fiction

The Prime Minister rubs at tired eyes and checks her watch. “Right. Give me an update on Kitten Café.”

The CEO of Kitten Café smiles and nods. “All is going well, Prime Minister. This month we’ve adopted out 244 cats within our London branches alone. I’ve yet to gt figures confirmed from other regions but -”

“I couldn’t care less about the cats,” the Prime Minister snaps. “Tell me how it’s really going.”

“Well, it’s just that the rate of adoptions is very telling of our customer satisfaction levels. People wouldn’t adopt our cats if they didn’t trust our brand. And it seems that they do, very much so. Market research has showed us that 95% of our customers have altered their political leanings after just three visits.”

“Three? That’s too high. What about those who only visit a Kitten Café once?”

“Well, our influence on those is, understandably, less powerful. It’s a tricky balance to achieve. The in-house kittens offer distraction enough for our waiters to throw subliminal messages into their service patter without being caught out, but to maximise the effects of those messages, customers need to hear them repeatedly.

“We’ve set up a loyalty card system; buy ten coffees, get one free. It’s doing a good job of generating returning customers. But, naturally, it’s the kittens which are the biggest draw. Tell people they can play with cats while they drink coffee? They’re going to come back over and over again.”

“I see. So, does it look like they’re backing me?”

“I think so, judging by the polls. Our staff have been instructed to really push to the patrons the positive messages about you. We’ll amp up the frequency at which they’re relayed the closer we get to voting day, as planned. We’ve also opened up additional branches in the constituencies in which you are currently least popular, in hopes that we can turn some of the more stubborn electorate in your favour.

“As it stands, we’re confident that Kitten Café will win you the next election.”

“Excellent,” says the Prime Minister. “Who knew that cats could be so useful?”

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Author: Ellie Scott

Ellie Scott is a freelance copywriter and fiction writer from Sheffield, UK. She writes speculative and silly short stories and flash fiction. In 2018 she was shortlisted for the Bridport Prize Short Story Competition and published her first book, 'Merry Bloody Christmas: A Short Story Collection'. You can often find her hanging out on Twitter (@itsemscott), Instagram (@tinysillystories) and Medium (@elliemaryscott), or hibernating on her sofa with a book and a very large glass of gin.

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