In February I made a (risky) executive decision to stop taking antidepressants without checking with my doctor first.
It’s kind of a long story as to why, but let’s just say that my faith in my GP’s knowledge of antidepressants had run dry. And I kinda figured that I know my brain better than anyone else. My thoughts on my own brain weren’t really listened to by my doctor in the past, and it didn’t go well for me (Biggest. Understatement. Ever). So, I turned to Google for advice and weaned off the meds myself.
I think it’s all worked out. My moods were thrashing about all over the place while I was on the meds. They’d done their job and dragged me out of a deep, deep pit of misery, but it seemed like they left me bouncing around between mild misery and mild hyperactivity, and quite frankly I was done with their shit.
It was the right choice. The peaks and troughs still happen, but I don’t seem to switch between them quite as rapidly as I did while I was taking the meds. Overall, I’m a bit more functional and a bit more predictable. But something still isn’t right.
Right now, I’m in one of the troughs. It’s a combination of things contributing to it, really. The overwhelmed feelings I discussed in last week’s blog, a touch of work stress, a sprinkle of low self-esteem, and a dash of just feeling plain old dumb and guilty for all of the other things I’ve listed.
I’m struggling to find motivation, I’m crying so frequently that I’m single-handedly keeping Kleenex in business, and I’m having daft thoughts about doing daft things.
I want to run away. That’s probably the best way to describe it. I’d just like to get in my car and drive somewhere new and book into a hotel for a weekend (or week. Or month.). I’d like to switch off my phone and forget about my laptop and forget that I have work stuff and life stuff and responsibility stuff and just do nothing. Or read. Yeah, I’d probably read.
Ah, think of all the lovely books I’d get through in a month if I had no responsibility.
But that isn’t real life, is it? So I’ll have to crack on.
Maybe I’ll go back to the doctor. Maybe I’ll go to a different doctor and keep my fingers crossed that they have helpful advice for me. Maybe I’ll start yoga and meditation and get into all that mindfulness stuff. Mind you, what I really want is mindlessness; I already spend far too long being plagued by my own stupid head.
Whatever happens, this trough won’t last forever. I’ll drag myself back up soon, I reckon.
Until then, know that I do read all your comments, I do appreciate your kind words, and I really appreciate everyone who reads my silly stories. I’m just having a bit of a bad time with interacting with people at the minute.
Maybe next Sunday I’ll have something more uplifting to say 😉Follow Ellie Scott on WordPress.com