Bathtub

‘It’s not fair,’ moaned the toilet, ‘I have to take shit from everybody whilst the rest of you have nice clean jobs.’

‘That’s not strictly true,’ replied the bathtub. ‘I’ve had plenty of shit from that kid. He’s got a dirty habit of doing his business as soon as he gets in me. I mean, how am I supposed to feel like I’m doing my job right when I know there have been turds floating about in my water? The parents think it’s cute but it’s not, it’s pure filthy.’

‘Least they clean you afterwards,’ said the toilet, ‘I’m lucky to get a quick squirt of bleach once a week if they’ve got company coming round.’

The sink giggled, ‘Nobody likes cleaning toilets. They like cleaning me the best. It’s satisfying when I’m all white and shiny and my little taps sparkle.’

‘Shut up, sink!’ said the bathtub. ‘You’re always going on about how you’re the favourite but you’re not.’

‘Of course I am,’ replied the sink, ‘they wash their hands in me almost every time they step foot in the bathroom. And they brush their teeth in me twice a day. You’re not used as much as I am.’

‘But when I am used I require a lot of time and commitment, plenty of water, bubblebath, the whole works. You can’t say I’m not important.’

‘Woah woah woah!’ said the toilet, ‘I’m the most important! If they really want to then they can go without washing their hands and having a bath. But they can’t go without taking a dump or relieving their bladders, can they? If they didn’t have me they’d all have severe health problems.’

‘They’d have severe health problems if they never bothered to wash their hands in me after they used you,’ argued the sink.

‘Shush, I can hear someone coming,’ urged the bathtub. The three quietened and listened to the creak of the stairs and human voices getting ever closer.

‘I’m the favourite!’ whispered the tap, and the bathtub and the toilet shot her angry glares.

The humans entered the bathroom and looked around them.

‘I’m just sick of it,’ said the female. ‘It’s so boring, ugly.

‘It just needs some new tiles,’ said the male.

‘No. The whole suite is so old fashioned. If we had the money I’d like to rip it all out and fit a new one. Get a nice big corner bath and one of those posh sinks that looks like a waterfall.’

‘Well we don’t have the money,’ said the male resolutely. ‘And what would be the point in buying a brand new posh bath just for the lad to shit in every time he gets in it?’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ sighed the female. ‘Let’s just spruce it up with some new tiles and then get it all done properly when the kids are a bit older.’

The male nodded and followed the female out the door. The bathroom listened as the humans retreated downstairs and then breathed a huge sigh of relief.

‘Thank fuck for that,’ said the bathtub, ‘Sounds like we’ve got a few more years left until they rip us out and dump us in a skip.’

‘I don’t wanna gooooo,’ screamed a tile.

The bathtub, sink and toilet gasped with surprise. In all the years that they had lived in that bathroom they had never heard a tile say a single word, not even when one of them was accidentally cracked by a child playing a little too vigorously with a toy boat in the bath.

But now, all the tiles started yelling and weeping and shouting. ‘They can’t get rid of us, we’ll be smashed to pieces! There’s nothing wrong with us they’re just bored. All we need is a good clean and we’ll be like new!’

‘Quiet, the lot of you!’ yelled the toilet. ‘You’re just tiles. You serve no other purpose than to look pretty and you’re not doing that very well. What do you expect?’

‘Who are you to talk with your brown and yellow stains?’ the tiles yelled back. ‘And you, sink, you’re covered in limescale and dried toothpaste and you leak all over us!’

‘That is not my fault it is simply a plumbing issue,’ the sink tried to defend herself.

The tiles and the toilet and the sink continued to yell and bicker, but the bathtub just sighed, plugged his hole, turned on his taps and slowly drowned the lot of them out.

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