Never Again

I swear, if he breathes again it’ll be the last breath he takes.

Oh, there it is. The long, squeaky inhale through the nose and the rattling huff through the mouth.

Does he realise how loud he’s being? Is there something wrong with him? Is it normal for human breath to make that kind of noise? Continue reading “Never Again”

Resistance is Futile

This is probably too many vegetables for one person to carry unaided. If I lose my grip on these handles I’ll be chasing cauliflowers and apples down the street and looking like a prize idiot. Good exercise, though, I guess. Ugh.

Why does there have to be a bakery three shops down from the greengrocers? Why do they have to leave their door wide open so that the street is filled with the scent of freshly baked pastries and melting chocolate? Why, why, why? Continue reading “Resistance is Futile”

Wrong Branch

“Hi, welcome to the Orange store, how can I help you today?” The store assistant has a sickly smile on her face, but there’s nothing but hopelessness behind her eyes.

“Um, I’ve got a problem with my PeelBook Profesh and I was wondering if you could help me?”

“That’s not something I’ll be able to help you with I’m afraid. We don’t offer tech support in this branch.” Continue reading “Wrong Branch”


“I’ve had a bad week,” says Wendy, as she swirls her car keys around and around her finger. “It’s because I was stressed. Work cut my hours on Monday.”

Gasps and tsks and murmurs go up from the group.

“I can’t believe it. I can’t afford to be working less. I think I’m going to have look for a new job altogether, and I’m not looking forward to that because I’m shit at interviews. Anyway, that was just the start of it. Continue reading “Confessions”

Bubblegum Blues

I saw a little kid walking away from an ice cream kiosk with an ice cream in such a vivid shade of blue that it almost hurt my eyes to look at it.

Naturally, I had to try it for myself.

I approached the kiosk and asked for a single scoop in a waffle cone. Turns out it was bubblegum flavour and it was absolutely fucking delicious. Continue reading “Bubblegum Blues”

Surprise, Valentine

My legs are aching and I know his are, too. We’re both exhausted, but we feel a sense of achievement like no other. I can speak for him, you see, because we’re always in touch with each other’s feelings. We’re a part of each other. He’s in my head, and I’m in his. We can basically finish each other’s sentences. Continue reading “Surprise, Valentine”

In From the Cold

It looks warm in there. The human has its arms bared to the air, so the temperature must be far better than it is out here. The dog looks toasty, too, despite it being bereft of half of its coat. Thank goodness for its impressive ability to grow hair. I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw the human brushing out its downy fur and simply discarding of it on the lawn. Continue reading “In From the Cold”

Stand Up, Please

“So we’re on this date, right, fancy restaurant, posh wine, candlelight so dim she can’t see my face – we’re onto a winner, is all I’m saying.”

Tumbleweed. This crowd is the worst.

“Then the waiter comes over and brings us a menu. And I open it, and I’m looking through, and it all sounds lovely. Posh shit, but lovely. Tiny things on massive plates, with green stuff smeared on the side like baby poo. You know the sort of stuff.” Continue reading “Stand Up, Please”

Just Passed

I’m gonna have cramp in my hands at this rate. Is that normal? Surely that’s not normal. Maybe I’m holding on too tight. But if I loosen up a bit the whole fucking steering wheel shakes and I’ll end up weaving across all four lanes and I’ll kill everybody.

Is it just my car that rattles like it’s about to explode when I get over 50 mph? Is it ‘cos it’s a doddery old piece of shit? Probably. Couldn’t afford much else though, could I? All my money went on the driving lessons and the retests. Continue reading “Just Passed”