“So, we’ve tenderized the meat, we’ve smothered it in a delicious coating of egg, flour, and breadcrumbs – seasoned to perfection, I might add – so what’s next?”
The audience remained quiet. The chef waited a few moments to allow them to marinate in their own silence, hoping they would realise how disrespectful they were being.
“Come on! I’ve cooked for an audience of snails that were more energetic than you lot. I am a renowned celebrity chef; you are immensely lucky to be sat here with me today.” He sighed melodramatically. “We shallow fry it, ladies and gents, boys and girls!”
He lay a schnitzel in his pan with a flourish and it sizzled with vigour. The smell of fried flesh wafted into the air and he breathed it in melodramatically. “Smells delicious, right?”
The audience said nothing. Many turned a little green. A young boy at the back gagged.
The chef flipped the meat over and tapped his tongs on the work surface as he waited for it to cook.
“You’re disgusting!” came a shout from the audience. “I’ll fucking kill you if I get half the chance.”
The chef sneered as the offending spectator was dragged from his seat and removed from the auditorium. He then lifted the schnitzel from the pan, dabbed it on a sheet of kitchen roll to remove excess grease, and presented it on a plate.
“Throw some fries on the side… little drizzle of lemon juice on the top… some chopped parsley… and there we have it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how we’ll be eating you on this planet. You’re a delicacy, each and every one of you. You should be very proud.”
The young boy at the back vomited. The 3-eyed chef laughed.